Sunday 22nd

Dear brother..
Things are getting hard again.
Every time I think about you I cry.
I don't even necessarily think about what happened to you any of those times. I'm just upset that you're not here.

Another year has passed, brother. I am trying so hard to be a better person. I never wanted to let you or our other brothers down.
I was supposed to be the best big sister ever.
Sorry.

So many people graduated highschool this year, brother.... but you didn't.
You should've. And I would've done everything I could to be there. You were so smart, you probably would've done way better than me!
..Definitely way better than how I ended up doing.

I've got one year left in CanTeen. I've been thinking about what I want to get out of it.
I wonder what you would do. I think you'd go to so many of the events. I am sure you would love it.
So many of your friends from Child Cancer are in CanTeen now.
I feel old!

I am supposed to go and get "professional help" for the aftermath of the situations...that we were all involved in.
You were the one that was sick... and then I got sick in a different way... I'm still not better.

When I turn another year older, it'll be seven years since you left me, brother.
Seven years, and I'm still crying for you. Still wishing I had done something differently, so that I could save you.

I guess you already know, but there was a man who was visiting his wife one day..
He saw that you didn't have a headstone. Our parents put a marker up, but they couldn't afford a headstone yet.
Anyway. This man tracked them down, did you know that? He told them he wanted to pay for a headstone for you. Any design they wanted.
I saw the photo on faceook. It looks nice.

Sorry I haven't been to visit. I can't do it.
I love you, but I can't do it.
I'll always love you but I can't stand over you like that. I won't.

You're not supposed to be there. You're supposed to be here.

I can't live my life for you, brother. I'm not where I had planned to be.
Things.. everything broke me.
You were taken from me and that broke me. It broke my heart. It broke my spirit. It broke my mind.
It all shattered me into a million tiny pieces and I had to learn to pick each one up and try and put them back together.
I still haven't found all of them.

But I'm trying, brother. I am trying to get better. I am trying to learn more. I am trying to achieve more.
I will be the best big sister I can for you and our brothers.

✿